The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their parents.  Before the teenager can develop a new, adult relationship with his parents, he must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood and gain control of his life.  This process is characterized by a certain amount of normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence.  Emotions usually run high, and mood swings are common. Adolescent rebellion usually starts at 12 to 14 years of age.  Under the best circumstances, it continues for about two years; it is not uncommon for this stage to last four to six years.  The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period.
        Treat your teenager as an adult friend.  By the time your child is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with her when she is an adult.  Treat her the way you would like her to treat you when she is grown up.  The goal is mutual respect, support, and having fun together.  Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during shared activities such as bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, working, and especially, mealtimes.  Friendship with your teenager doesn't mean bending your own behavior or values in an attempt to be popular with her, however.  Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem.  Recognize and validate her feelings by listening carefully and making nonjudgmental comments.  Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your teen's problems.  The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.
        Avoid criticism about 'no-win' topics.  Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the parents criticize their teenager too much.  A great deal of the teen's objectionable behavior merely reflects his desire to conform to the current tastes of his peer group.  Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development.  Dressing, talking, and acting different from adults help your teenager to feel independent of you.  So just back off, as your teenager would say.
        Try to avoid criticizing clothing, hairstyles, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, or religion and philosophy.  Allowing your teen to rebel in these areas often prevents testing in other areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or shoplifting.  Intervene only if your teenager's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights.  The more you talk about strange and untraditional behaviors, the longer they will last.
        Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home.  Your teenager must learn from trial and error.  As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions.  Parents should speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal.  Otherwise, they must rely on her own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions (the proverbial school of hard knocks).
        City curfew laws will help control late hours.  A school's requirement for punctual attendance will influence when your teen goes to bed at night.  School grades will usually hold her accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance.  You should make clear your support for the rules imposed by the school and community.  If your teenager has bad work habits, she will lose her job.  If she makes a poor choice of friends, she may get into trouble or find her confidences broken.  If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better.  If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month.  If by chance your teenager asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way.  Ask some questions that help her think about the main risks.  Then wrap up your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best."  Teenagers need plenty of opportunities to learn from their mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.
         Clarify the house rules and consequences of breaking them.  You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions.  Written ones cut down on misunderstandings.  A teenager's preferences can be tolerated within his own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house.  You can forbid loud music or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m. that interfere with other people's concentration or sleep.  You should make your teen's friends feel welcome in your home, but clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten.  Your teen can be placed in charge of cleaning his room and washing and ironing his clothes.  You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent body odor. You must decide whether you will loan your teenager your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, or other possessions.
         Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges.  Working for the money to repair or replace damaged articles is also appropriate.  Rarely, you may need to ground your child for a day or a weekend.
         Use family conferences to negotiate house rules.  Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week.  At this time, your teenager can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems.  You also can bring up issues that concern you (such as your teen's demand to drive her too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools).  The family unit often functions better if the decision making is democratic.  The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere should be: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"
         Give space to a teenager who is in a bad mood.  When your teenager is in a bad mood, she generally won't want to talk about it with you.  If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually a close friend.  In general, it is advisable to give your teen lots of space and privacy at such times.  This is a poor time to talk to her about any topic, pleasant or otherwise.
         Use "I" messages for rudeness.  Some talking back is normal.  We want our teenagers to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinion in a logical way.  We need to listen.  Expect your teenager to present his case passionately, even unreasonably.  Let the small stuff go; it's only words.  But don't accept disrespectful remarks, such as calling you a "jerk."  Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored.  You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."  Make your statement in as non-angry a way as possible, even though you may be legitimately angry.  If your adolescent continues to make hostile, unpleasant remarks, you should leave the room.  Don't get into a shouting match with him because this type of behavior is unacceptable.  What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the ability to apologize. GOOD LUCK!